My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
