I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
