my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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