There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
