He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I made him laugh his dick is mine
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
