You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
