We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
