I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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