my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
