this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
