I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
