Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
