I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
