awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
