I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
