he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
