STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
