dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
