fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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