I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
