there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
