I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
