four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
