I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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