My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
