She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
