We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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