Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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