dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
