They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He better not be in your backpack
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
