I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
