she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
