I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
