Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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