guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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