Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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