dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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