I am in a vortex of obligation.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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