So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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