Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
