i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
