I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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