i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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