I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How external is "for external use only"?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
