He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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