my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
