I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
