I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
