My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
