he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
