Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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