Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
